im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
