Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
