im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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