im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
