I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
