i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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