I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
