Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
