hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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