I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A bitchslap is in order.
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