Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
