Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
