That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
operation harelip BJ is a go
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
