I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
