Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
