My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
