Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Randomize
