Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
