The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
