DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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