people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
