She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
