Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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