At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
