I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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