Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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