you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
