i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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