i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
