I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
