i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
