You just made me feel so damn special
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
