I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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