i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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