You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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