Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
