I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
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