just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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