I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
