Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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