And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I wear drunk well.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
