so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
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best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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