Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
