I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
