She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
