I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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