After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
