I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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