If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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