According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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