Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
