Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
