life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
