I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
